The Kevin Chronicles: Goddesses Among Women

Every town has a village idiot. In medieval times a person like my son would have been referred to in this manner, but today it’s just a person locally known for their ignorance or stupidity. Instead of ranting in the town square, the modern day village idiot posts stupid shit on Facebook, a lot. Not long ago, I found myself reading an article posted by our Medford Lakes village idiot detailing the atrocities brought about by stay at home mothers. Apparently, all stay at home mothers are like the “popular crowd” back in high school only worse! They are a cold, calculating, insulated group of women who are destroying the very fabric of our community and EVERYONE bows to them as if they were goddesses among women. This is all very upsetting to the village idiot because, as a working mother, she is outside this undeserving yet influential circle. She has a very important job and is a very intelligent woman who is actually contributing to society, unlike those “Pilate Pigs” as the article calls them. Do you know, although she attends every single School Board meeting (a great sacrifice after working a 9 hour day) the Board listens to the stay at home mothers more than they listen to her! She has a masters degree for Christ’s sake. Furthermore, the stay at home brigade never asks for HER input when planning fundraisers for The Home and School Association. Why you ask? Because they’re mean. They’re mean, mean girls. If only they listened to her there wouldn’t be an “adult prom” currently in the works to raise money for the Education Foundation. Adult prom? Seriously? The village idiot would never lower herself to attend such a function, even if it will earn thousands of dollars for the new playground. Attending might send the message that she approves of such nonsense or worse, she desires the company of these horrible, horrible stay at home mothers. Their children are in school full time so honestly, what do they do all day?

You’re an idiot. This article you posted, like most of the shit you post, is equally idiotic. You were right when you said that our society is crumbling, but it’s not because of the stay at home mothers, it’s because there are so few of them left.

I have a real problem with the term stay at home mother. Every woman I know who does not work outside the home calls themselves a stay at home mother and most of them really need to stop.

I was a stay a home mother. I gave birth to Dana in 2004 and didn’t leave the house till the twins’ first birthday party 3 years later. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, changed diapers, breast fed, cried, and bounced up and down 12 hours a day for 5 years. It was a full time, smelly, loud, thankless profession which is why a lot of women who COULD afford to stay home don’t. They don’t want to wipe butts and read Snuggle Puppy 36 times a day: they have a Master’s Degree for Christ Sakes. I didn’t have to go back to work when the twins were 2 but I did because I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to get out of that house, away from the smell and the crying and the sickening notion (which grew stronger everyday) that something was wrong with Kevin. Work was my salvation: it was SO much easier to be a teacher than it was to be a mother.

Nobody, not even the village idiot, is stupid enough to ask the mother of an infant what she does all day but for some reason it has become perfectly, socially acceptable to question the mothers of school age children about what THEY do all day. It’s even more acceptable to write articles calling them Pilate Pigs and demonize their efforts to raise money by holding an adult prom. In my opinion there are 3 types of stay at home mothers but only one should be allowed to call themselves that.

2. Wastes of skin: I would give the left testicle I don’t have to be a fly on the wall in the home of one of these women. Wastes of skin (and ignorance) are the reason people like the village idiot ask what stay at home mothers do all day because they do nothing, to help anyone, anywhere, with anything, ever. Although their children are in school full time and they don’t work outside the home, they don’t volunteer their time, even to help with the activities their children are involved in. So what do they do all day? I wish the fuck I knew. I bet they watch a lot of porn. I know I would. Anyhoo....I have a friend named Glinda. Her name really isn't Glinda but she DEFINITELY does not want me using her name in this blog and I've always thought she kinda looks like a Glinda. On top of volunteering 5 days a week at St. Vincent De Paul, she used to organize the lunch program at Kevin’s school which is run entirely by volunteers. One day somebody called out sick and there was NO ONE to serve lunch so Glinda (out of sheer desperation) called one of the wastes of skin and BEGGED her to serve lunch. You know what she said? “Oh I wish I could Glinda but it’s nail day.” Nail day???!!!!! So Glinda (because she’s Glinda) cancelled her doctor’s appointment to serve lunch herself. This bitch actually called her later that day to complain her daughter’s pasta was cold. So……..if you don’t have a paying job, and your kids are in school full time, and when Glinda calls you to ask for help with the Book Fair you say no because it’s nail day, PLEASE call yourself a waste of skin, because that’s what you are.

3. Goddesses among women: Call themselves stay at home mothers but have no business doing so because, although they are mothers, they’re NEVER home, and not because it’s nail day. Goddesses among women volunteer at school, serve lunch, raise money for charitable causes, organize the talent show, coach various sports, direct plays and transport the children of working stiffs like myself to and from all of these activities. At least we working mothers get a paycheck: these ladies rarely get a simple thank you. Remember Kathy whose name isn’t really Kathy with MS? She’s a goddess among women. She volunteers for 2 community theatre groups, leads 2 girl scout troops, directs the talent show, and organizes the Medford Lakes MS Walk. Kathy shows up for everything. Sometimes she's on her own 2 feet, sometimes she needs a cane and sometimes she’s in a walker. I would not be the least bit surprised if she shows up to the talent show tonight in a wheelbarrow. MS can suck her dick. I have another friend who, behind her back, I call Turbo Tess. It took 2 years for me to convince my brother she’s not on speed. Tess works part time as a bartender, leads 2 girl scout troops, teaches religious education, and is now serving as president of Home and School. Did I mention her daughter has epilepsy? I don’t think she has slept since July. She has never asked for my input on how to best raise funds for Home and School. Why? Because I have never attended a Home and School meeting so why should she give a flying fuck what I think village idiot??????!!!!!! You’re right: the School Board does listen to these women more than people like you and I because although they don’t have a masters degree, they make the Earth spin on it’s axis and are therefore more important than us.

Why do these women volunteer and work like plow horses at it? Because they are goddesses among women. Many of them could be living a richer lifestyle but they choose not to because they realize these years with their children is time they can never regain once it's gone. Like the village idiot, they are contributing members of society, only what they contribute is far more valuable than anything any of us working stiffs ever can: their time and talent.

Despite my troubles, I am the luckiest woman on Earth to live in a town where there are still a vast number of goddesses among women. Because of them, my son is an integral part of this community. He can’t act or dance but he’s in all the plays. He can’t kick a ball but he’s on the soccer team. And although he is a boy, Kevin is utterly convinced he is a member of Girl Scout Troop 24403 because Emily whose name isn't really Emily (the goddess who leads it) allows him to participate in all the activities. It takes a village to raise a special needs child.