The Kevin Chronicles: Hey Mom, You Suck

Sounds harmless enough right? But read it and half way through you'll realize, “Hey I’ve read this before.” Last time it was entitled: The True Danger of Vaccinating Your Child, and before that, Anti-Depressants Are Destroying Our Youth and before that it was If You’re Not Breastfeeding you’re Not Mothering. I think these authors could save us all a lot of time if they just cut to the chase and named their articles Hey Mom! You Suck. And you know what’s sad? Mothers would still read them.

Every parent I know is terrified that their children are growing up in this age of internet and social media but do you know who’s really in danger? Mothers. We mothers are learning to be mothers in a day and age where every article tells us

For example, I’m a horrible mother because I work full time, didn’t breastfeed, my son is on an anti-depressant, I don’t buy organic food, I vaccinate, and today (thanks to this article) I can now add body shaming to the list. It reads as follows:

Don't talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works.

I have no idea how Dana's body works. And I tell her she has a gorgeous figure almost every day. I better stop. I guess I better read up on lung function in preparation for the next time she asks me if she looks pretty in a dress. Also I am quite fond of telling Kayla: Though I think she’s the most adorable 9 year old in America, I’m positive she has the cutest butt on Earth. I pinch it a lot and ask her if I can have it.

“Why not? I made it. I worked really hard on it for 9 long months, it’s a lot cuter than mine and I want it back!”

Apparently this is wrong. And since telling your daughter she’s adorable is wrong I have to assume pinching butts is wrong? Butt pinching is practically an Olympic sport in my house now that they’re older and can run faster, and Kevin’s favorite musical instrument is the butt bongos. Fuck body shaming, at this point I guess I’m a child molester.

Two: Don't say anything if she's lost weight. Don't say anything if she's gained weight.

Ok I agree with this to a point. Kayla chunked up a bit this winter and I didn’t say anything because I knew once spring came along and she started exercising more those few pounds would melt off and they did. A few pounds in one direction or another is hardly a deal breaker but if my daughter, who is already thin, starts to lose a large amount of weight, you can bet your ass I’m going to say something.
I have a buddy I’ll call Kaya because it means pro-active. Two years ago the pediatrician said her daughter Petunia was 10 pounds overweight and therefore at risk for type 2 diabetes. Wait till you hear what she did! At the advice of her doctor she signed Petunia up for a kid’s fitness class at the gym and enrolled in a Healthy Cooking Class at Whole Foods. Also, and this I just can’t believe, she took Petunia with her to her own annual physical so they could see how mom rated on the health scale. Although she was at a healthy weight, Kaya’s blood pressure and cholesterol were through the roof. What did Petunia learn from this? That the effects of poor eating habits and lack of exercise can be visible or invisible but they’re all dangerous. So Kaya hired a trainer and exercised alongside Petunia while she took her fitness class so they could motivate each other. She changed the way she cooked, ate, thought, and lived and a year later Petunia was only 1 pound overweight and Kaya's cholesterol was down 6 points. After the doctor's appointment confirming all this, the happy couple went to The Sand Stand and shared a “Pig’s Dinner” to celebrate. Child abuser, I don’t know how she sleeps at night.

Don’t’ comment on other women’s bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one.

At least this rule I only half broke. I have never commented negatively about another woman’s body in front of my girls but I have, God forgive me, complimented women on their bodies in the presence of my daughters. For example, my husband has a cousin named Maureen whose son got married last weekend in Raleigh. I hadn’t seen her in over two years and when we arrived at the hotel I barely recognized her. I have no idea how much weight she has lost but she looks younger and healthier than she did when we met 17 years ago. Within earshot of my girls I acknowledged her weight loss and told her how beautiful she looked. Maureen, I know you’re reading this. Please accept my sincere apologies for body shaming you.

If you think your daughter's body looks amazing, don't say that.

“Hey Dana and Kayla!!!!!!!!! You know how I told you both you have gorgeous figures?”

“Pretend I didn’t say that.”

"Why?"

"It's body shaming."

“You need help Mom.”

Prove to your daughter that women don't need men to move their furniture.

Chris moves all the furniture.

Teach your daughter how to cook kale.

Teach your daughter how to bake chocolate cake made with six sticks of butter.

Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It's easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don't. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants.

Well that was a very nice ending but the author can still suck my dick because regardless of what she intended to communicate, here’s what everybody except me just heard: If your child is struggling with their weight it’s your fault.

No matter what you’re doing there’s an article out there that explains, in detail, how you’re doing it all wrong. For example, Kevin has been hitting us a lot lately and because he’s getting older and stronger those hits now hurt, a lot. Years ago we were trained by a behaviorist to place him in a restraining hold when he became too aggressive but 4 years later the only person strong enough to restrain him is Chris. So last week when he kicked me in the leg, out of sheer desperation, I kicked him back and he stopped. When he pinches me, I pinch him back. When he tells me I’m a big, fat, stupid Mommy I tell him he’s a big, fat, stupid Kevin and when I do that he stops and he apologizes.

Now stop reading for a second and google “Women Who Hit Their Disabled Children and Call Them Stupid.” 100,000 articles will appear all explaining what an unforgivable, abusive piece of shit I am and describe the emotional damage I have inflicted upon my helpless son. However, before you call DYFS, please google, “What to Do When Your 100 Pound Nine Year Old Slaps You in the Face Outside of Gullo’s Because You Won’t Buy Him a Pretzel.”

What? Nothing came up? Really? That doesn’t make any sense. How can there be thousands of articles explaining why hitting your child is wrong but not a single one that explains what you’re supposed to do when your child hits you? Wow. Maybe this is how the mothers of overweight children feel when they read an article that states, “Whatever you do, don’t do anything or say anything about your child’s body, that’s body shaming.”

So why are there so many shaming articles out there to be read? Because there’s a lot of money to be made from convincing moms they're failing. Take a stroll through the parenting section of Barnes and Noble and practically every book you see can be boiled down to one title: Mom You Suck but If You Read This Book You Won’t Suck Anymore. And you have my permission to buy this book if you promise to

B. Bring it to the book burning party Heather Caldwell and I have planned for next month where we will be roasting marshmallows over all the many versions of The Gift of a Special Needs Child. It’s going to be a great party. All the “club members” will be there. We are the greatest bunch of ladies you’ll ever meet for one simple reason: none of us pretend to have any answers. No one knows more about being judged, and feeling helpless, and unanswered questions, and isolation brought about by fear than us. And no one has read more about what they’re doing wrong, hence the book burning party.

Some of us write blogs! If you can’t make the party and you need some good advice, log in and talk to one of us: I guarantee you we won’t have any. You don’t need any. What you need is confirmation that all of us struggling and none of us have any real answers.

I think the mothers of regularly developing children hesitate to reach out to us “club members” because they think our problems are bigger than theirs and its sooooooooooooo not true. The only difference between mothers like us and yourself is that our problems are entirely exposed whereas you can hide yours if you so choose. Please choose differently. Talk about your problems honestly because somebody out there needs you and if you’re not there she’ll have nowhere to turn but Google, where she’ll find an article entitled How to Talk to Your Daughter about Her Body, which will make her feel like shit.