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The Kevin Chronicles: Why The Rach Hates Christmas
All the good moms in Medford like Christmas, A LOT.
But The Rach, who lives in the middle of Medford, does not.
The Rach hates Christmas, the whole Christmas season.
Go ahead, ask her why, she will tell you the reason.
She hates decorating, the shopping's a chore
Her cats both eat tinsel then puke on the floor.
She's vacuuming pine needles day after day,
round the mountain of credit card bills she can’t pay
And Oh how she hates hates hates hiding that elf!
Who invented that thing? What she’d put on HIS shelf.
Rach isn’t crafty she’s not full of cheer
She’d boycott it all if it weren’t for the beer
She’s awful at baking, and oh though she tries
I’d rather eat pinecones than one of her pies
And all of this hatred, there’s one thing above it
And that’s just how much her husband LOVES it.
The Chris LOVES Christmas and Holiday nights
Sleigh Rides and spending whole paychecks on lights.
He loves playing Santa and loading his sleigh
On Rachel! On Dana! On Kevin and Kay!
He loves dressing kids, cats, and puppies in green
Posing them all in a holiday scene
Yelling, “Now I need Christmas cards, make me them, Go!
Mail them to all of the people we know.
And Rach when you’ve finished with that tiny chore
Go get me some eggnog I think we need more
We'll go to the tree lighting then Dickens Fest
Dress the kids up in their Christmassy best
We have to look happy ‘cause Christmas is fun
Go buy me more presents and then when you’re done
Plan me a party, invite one and all
I don't want to hear that the house is too small
It’s Christmas time Rachel it’s not time to cry
Nobody cares that the house is a sty!
So go get yourself into a Christmasy mood
People are coming! Go make them some food
I’ll get top shelf liquor I’ll buy fancy rye”
And people will say, “Oh that Chris what a guy!”
Who will clean up once the jolly is through?
Don’t be a silly pants Rachel it’s you!
I’ve no time to clean, I have carols to sing
Glitter to sprinkle and doorbells to ring
Tree lights to gaze at and snowballs to throw
Santas to wave at, come on kids lets go!”
So that’s why Rach hates Christmas. Don’t think she’s a jerk
Christmas for mommies is nothing but work
Wrapping and shopping and cooking and sass
Wanting to kick Christmas Chris on his ass
Cause despite all you do and the pennies you pinch
He says, “You’re ruining Christmas Rae, you’re such a Grinch!”