The Kevin Chronicles: The Truth About Social Media

How are you? 2016 sucked big, hairy, monkey balls didn’t it? I’m over here trying to think positive, “The only direction we can go is up, right!” and then Gene Wilder dies. Seriously??? Willy Wonka? What is this 2016’s encore? One more fuck you before the lights go down? I swear to God if anything happens to Cyndi Lauper………………………

Focus Rachel: Social media. OK, so, last night Chris took all the kids sledding and I had the whole house to myself. Oh silence I’d missed you. And I found myself watching my first ever TED Talk. Ever watch one of those? Oh you should he’s so cute and I think gay but a girl can dream. Anyway my new friend TED was explaining that the Millennials are all screwed up because they were the first generation to be raised in the age of social media and I’m thinking, “Well what’s wrong with social media?” It’s fun, it connects people, and how else would I know 2016 snuck back in to kill Gene Wilder?” Well according to TED people use outlets like Facebook and Twitter (don’t get me started on Twitter. I just joined last week and I’m so confused) to lie. You remember why people lie right? Two reasons: to get out of trouble and make themselves seem better/more important than they are. Now I’d heard and read this before but never gave it much thought because it didn’t seem true, but coming out of TED’s mouth (maybe because he’s HOT), it sounded very true. So I turned him off (Bye TED. If Chris ever dies I intend to become a complete slut, call me!!!!!!!!!) and went on Facebook to test out TED’s theory. Do you know he’s right?! People aren’t just lying, they’re bragging and whining.

We’re all committed to making 2017 not suck right? Well I think there’s a very simple place to start: social media. Pick an outlet (Don’t pick Twitter it’s evil) and ask yourself an honest question: Do I post

For example, I have a friend whom I’ll call Narcissa because it means “love thyself.” She’s blonde, beautiful, rich, and thin with a hot husband and perfect children. Her posts are all pictures of herself in front of her shore house or Lake House in a bikini with her hot husband and perfect children and the captions read something along the lines of: #Lovinglife#soblessed#livingthedream#purejoy. By the way what does # mean? Did I miss an email? It’s a Twitter thing, isn’t it? I hate Twitter.

I pray to God you figure out I’m talking about you. Most of your friends, if you have any real friends, are not happy for you when you post pictures of your perfect existence. They think (and you are) a stuck up snob. When you post your nauseating pictures they daydream about punching you in that perfect nose you paid $6,500.00 for. I don’t think you’re intending to brag, but you are. You’re so self-absorbed you’ve forgotten that most of us don’t have lake houses or shore houses and we’re not blonde, rich or thin. I’m very happy your life is so #blessed#joyful but please do us all a favor and shut the fuck up about it. If it’s envy you’re seeking, congratulations you’ve got it. However if you desire to “connect” with people and if you’re not as shallow as you seem, it’s a new year: try something different. The next time you start to post a new picture of yourself wearing diamonds, post a picture of the wart on your toe instead and tell me it hurts. Your kid is student of the month again? Great! Post a story about what makes you want to strangle him. You’re already desirable, be relatable.

And now to the person who does nothing but complain about the problems I wish to God I had in place of my own. I will call her Ammada because it means numbskull and I couldn’t find a name that means “complete fucking idiot”. You know Ammada right? When her posts come up in your news feed you roll your eyes and think, “Could you PLEASE start a blog so I can NOT follow it.” Page after page after page and you’re just like, “Shut up already!!!!” And what kills you is she’s a nice person. A genuinely nice person who just has zero grip on reality and WAY too much time on her hands. The last thing I read went something like:

I’m so sad. Honestly I’m so sad I think I might drown in my sorrow. Yoga didn’t help. I’m sitting here trying to plan our 11^th vacation of the year, a month long tour of France, and I can barely lift my fingers to type. We have to sell our shore house. We’ve crunched the numbers a million different ways but it’s the only way we can afford a boat big enough for all of us to sail around the world. I know I have to have priorities but I just can’t stop crying. Maybe I’ll go get another tattoo??????

Seriously???????!!!!!!!! People, please don’t be Ammada. Before you post about a problem can you please make sure it’s something ANYONE would consider a problem. There are people out there facing illness and death and bankruptcy and don’t tell me it’s all relative because it’s not. If your biggest problem is that you have to sell your summer home to buy a boat you don’t have any problems. You are surrounded by people who are genuinely suffering so in a world where you can be anything, be empathetic.

And now for the liars. We’re all liars but some people post things about themselves that just aren’t true to mask what’s really going on in their lives. I have nothing witty to say about this, only please stop. You don’t have to be a psycho like me and post about your problems constantly but once in a while it would be nice if you admitted you had some. I read a post from an old friend the other day that really blew my mind. Her husband recently left her for another woman and though she’s devastated about it she posted a selfie with the caption “So Happy To Say I’m Single!!!!!!” I sat there thinking, “No you’re not. I know you’re not. I talked with you for an hour last week while you cried. Why are you posting this? Because you don’t want anyone to know you’re sad? Your husband just left you who WOULDN’T be sad?” I speak from experience people: when you are in pain, if you lie and say you’re happy the pain gets worse. That’s why TED says the Millenials are so depressed. They’re depressed, they turn to social media where everyone is happy so they think they’re the only ones depressed and then they get more depressed. So man up: When your life sucks you don’t have to talk about it but don’t lie, it’s depressing the Millenials.

OK I just took a break to “see new Tweets” and someone named @monogamypaws wants me to sign her petition. Who the hell is Monogamypaws and why is the @ symbol in front of her name. I’m clicking all over the screen and I still don’t see her petition. Is she trying to keep animals celibate? If you are a depressed Millenial please stop by and explain Twitter to me.

Last but not least are the people whose posts are all honest and fun: people like my friend Maria, and yes that’s really her name. Maria is one of those people who is honest because she has no sense of how to lie. I don’t think she could lie about anything even if you put a gun to her head. Her posts crack me up not because she’s trying to be funny, but because it’s stuff that actually happens to her. Typical Maria posts sound like:

There are professional wrestlers in my blender.

The cat crawled down the heating vent three days ago at what point do I call the plumber?

This is the third time this week Edward has fallen off the roof.

Second time at the emergency room this week. Any chance they’ll sever my parental rights?

Ringworm outbreak!

Lots of screaming today. The boys made Leah the goal. Not the goalie, the actual goal. Meaning if you manage to hit Leah with the ball you scored a goal. Extra points if you hit her in the head.

When she posts pictures it’s of the cake she baked or the mountain of clothes in her laundry room or her son’s newest black eye.

When I read Narcissa’s posts I feel envious, when I read Ammada’s I feel angry, when I read the liars I feel sad, but when I read Maria I feel like I’m home. I smile and think, “My laundry room looks like that too!” It makes me happy to see I’m not the only one and to think I might be anything like her, this sweet, inconspicuous, joyful little soul who is never anything but honest about her life. Honesty heals even the most broken of souls. According to TED it can even save the Millennials.

A lot of people, including myself, are very upset about Trump being the new president but if you ask people who voted for him why they did most will tell you, “Because he’s honest.” According to the most recent polls the number one reason some democrats and most undecided voters didn’t vote for Hillary is because they believe she’s a liar. That’s the power of it. So if you’re looking for 2017 to be different, the next election to be different or if you’re looking to make a difference of any kind, tell the truth on social media.

2017 is going to be great even without Gene Wilder. I’m going to cross my fingers @monogamypaws gets the signatures she needs to keep those furry sluts at bay. Cyndi Lauper is going to be fine and I am going to figure out how and why I’m friends with Arianna Grande on Twitter. She’s at a poker competition in Tahoe right now and would appreciate some #goodvibessparkles. And since I have vowed to be honest on social media I will not pretend to have any clue what that means.